Divorce

My thoughts on Elder Oaks' talk "Divorce"

It looks like we are all on vacation or we don’t want to touch Elder Oaks topic. But Elder Oaks says he has “felt impressed to speak about divorce” so we as a membership must have had to hear it.

I don’t know anyone whose life hasn’t been touched by divorce. For some the impact is more intense than other. For me it has been medium impact. I watched two sibling’s first marriages end in divorce because of unfaithful spouses. I watched my parent’s marriage fall to pieces by uncaring and unloving acts by both sides. I watched a very dear friend’s marriage crumble because of her unfaithful spouse. Of all these that one hit us the most and made us reexamine our marriage. That unhappy event took place 9 years ago and I have still saved those emails and reread them when I feel like our marriage needs a little help. The things Steve and I discussed, though very private, are things I want to remember even unto eternity. It was amazing the ripple effect our friends’ divorce had on our marriage.

When Steve and I were dating (it was a very quick dating period) we drove up Provo Canyon many times discussing a lot of what if’s. Of course our friends hadn’t had their marriage in trouble, but I had watch a sibling go through it and there was no way I was going to drag me, my children or my husband through on and I wanted to make sure Steve understood that before he married me. I wanted to give him every chance to back out because there was no refund policy. I wish I would have written them down more thoroughly, but I do have bits and pieces of them in my journal. It truly was a bonding experience for Steve and me. One thing it really did was make it so we were both on the same page.

But we are supposed to be discussing Elder Oaks talk.

I will not argue with him or anyone that divorce is on the rise and is becoming commonplace. That is such a sad statistic. We as a populous have truly weakened “the concept that marriages are permanent and precious.”

He finishes that statement with what I want to talk about today: “Influenced by their own parent’s divorce or by popular notions that marriage is a ball and chain that prevents personal fulfillment, some young people shun marriage. Many who marry withhold full commitment, poised to flee at the first serious challenge.”

I ask myself these questions: As a parent and partner in a marriage, how do I show my boys and girl what marriage is like? Do I show them it is a hard task, one worth working on or one that is too hard and I give up?

My mother taught me both. She had a very difficult marriage and while the children were in the house she worked on it. I remember book after book she had that talked about relationships and marriages. I think had we the money she would have gone to councilors, but alas we were very poor and councilors were few and far between, especially in the little town I grew up in. I remember her praying for soft hearts and minds. (I don’t think she heard or saw me outside her bedroom door listening as she poured out her desires to the Lord.) What an impact that made on me. I remember how hard she fought for her marriage even though it wasn’t happy—at least for her. She believed in marriage and wanted it desperately to succeed, but alas they couldn’t fix their differences and parting was best for all. I had to pray for confirmation of that fact and it came quickly that here on earth my parents should end their lives in separate homes. They still love each other, just live different lives and living separately will mean they may one day patch up a messed up earthly marriage.

(OK, I started this a few days ago but life just got in the way so change of thoughts….)

I love his third point, “the remedy is not divorce but repentance.” After last week’s talk about forgiveness, boy do I have a lot to repent of and forgive Steve; mainly my rotten, stubborn, prideful attitude. I’m really NOT the ideal marriage partner. I tell Steve often, “I would divorce myself, if I was married to me.” It says a lot that he is sticking with me all these years.

I truly am not one who resolves conflicts in a nice and gentlewomanly way. In fact quite the opposite, my husband likes to use the word row (the British term) because to him fight means pushing and shoving and an argument is something like a debate. We often come to a row, BUT we love each other to either ignore the problem (for the time being) or work our way around it.

BUT, I MUST CHANGE MY WAYS! Steve and I must do as the 1st Presidency has asked.
1. Be best friends
2. Be kind and considerate
3. Be sentitive to each other’s needs
4. Seek always to make each other happy.
5. Be partners in finances
6. Work together to regulate our desires for temporal things
7. Forget past wrongs
8. Forgive always
9. Plead for guidance
10. Over come my own faults
11. Strengthen our relationship with each other and our children
12. (my own) look only for the good and miss the bad!

When Elder Oaks talked about the three people in the marriage I couldn’t help but look at my wedding ring. I have three diamonds. One very large one (ok, not that large, but larger than the others) flanked by two “chip” diamonds set on the side. This wet wasn’t picked by accident. We realized that the Lord (the big diamond) had to be the center of our marriage and we were supporting members to this show. My husband also has three diamonds; only for fashion he only has three chips. They are all in a straight row. This symbols how we must be in a line with each other. I often look down at my ring and remember that, and of course I have had times where I don’t even think about it. But we have lived by the rule of a threesome in our marriage. I’m glad I wasn’t off base and Elder Oaks mentioned it.

Marriage is hard work and if you don’t work on it constantly, well we all know the outcomes as way too many families do as well.